The birds and the bees...and the Merlot

If there's anything more complicated than dating, it's trying to order wine on a date. Oy.

"Does he like me? Will he call?" is nothing compared to "Will this wine go with what she orders? Is this bottle too inexpensive? Should we order by the glass, or an entire bottle?"

Ordering wine at a restaurant can be an impenetrable fog of seemingly archaic ceremonies, so here's a few tips on how to impress your date with your wine knowledge:

Food Pairing
Before you decide on the wine, it will be best to get a sense of what you both will be ordering. If you're dead set on a steak, and your date wants a salad (really ladies, eat something real), then it will probably be best to order wines by the glass. If you're out for a special occasion, or really want to order a bottle to impress your date, it will be best to stick to a light red, like a Pinot Noir or Merlot, which will pair well with red meat, but not utterly overwhelm a salad. If you're planning on a several course meal, you may want to order two bottles: a crisp white (like a Sauvignon Blanc or Semillon--which really does go well with salad) and a red. If you both want fish and/or chicken or red meat, this will be easier--a well-balanced white (again, a Sauvignon Blanc or perhaps a Chardonnay) for white meats, or a Cabernet Sauvignon or Syrah (Shiraz) with red.

To Sommelier, or not to Sommelier
Sommeliers are good resources, and are there to help. Undoubtedly in your dining career you will run across the stereotype of the tux-wearing, be-monocled nightmare of wine snobbery, but my experience has been with down-to-earth sommeliers who are genuinely interested in helping you pick a good bottle, not making you feel like dirt. If you're in an establishment of fine dining, keep an eye out for an oval pin on the lapel of the sommelier. This will usually mean he or she is certified by the Court of Master Sommeliers (though it's rare to run across an actual Master Sommelier--there are only about 20-25 in the US), and will usually be well-trained and personable. Most good restaurants will have a wine steward--it's up to you if you want advice, but in most cases you'll win the admiration of your date by asking for an expert opinion. After all, you want him or her to enjoy the wine, right?

The Price
Expect a minimum of a 150% markup on a bottle of wine. One of my favorite wines, ever, is an $11 bottle of Riesling, which I find in restaurants for between $30-35. This makes me kind of sick, but I have to remember that I'm paying for the experience, not so I can drink a bottle of wine at home, alone, in front of Grey's Anatomy. My friend Stephanie, who works in PR for wine companies, told me her guideline is to order the second least expensive bottle on the menu. This is great advice, in my opinion, because you won't look like a complete cheapskate, but you also won't pay out the nose. And usually it's the best value on the list. So, if you're not looking for a particular bottle, try and choose between two or three least expensive.

When the Wine Arrives at the Table
So, you've ordered the bottle...now what? The sommelier or waiter will bring the bottle you ordered to the table. Be warned, if you order wine from your waiter, and the sommelier brings it over, he or she will naturally gravitate to the oldest male in your party--whether you're on a date with a 21 year-old boy, or if you're in a party of ten with your grandfather. Even if you order it, ladies, they will assume the man will want to make the decision. A small bit of sexism--or chivalry, depending on the way you look at it. If you're a lady, and you ordered the wine, hopefully your gracious date will indicate that you are the one who should taste. If he doesn't...well, maybe you'll want to look elsewhere for a boyfriend.

The waiter or sommelier will bring the bottle over to the wine decision-maker for the evening, and present the bottle. Be sure to check that they've brought the right vintage and bottle. If it's fine, say so, and they'll commence opening the bottle. The waiter or sommelier will pour about an inch of wine into the glass of the decision-maker--it is now your job to swirl, smell and sip. If the wine smells and tastes right, tell the wine steward that it's good. They will then pour your companion a glass, then fill yours.

If the wine smells like wet cardboard, let the waiter or sommelier know, nicely, that you think the bottle may be corked. They should take a whiff, and if they agree, they'll get another bottle.

On extremely infrequent occasions the wine steward will disagree with you about the bottle being bad. If you smell wet cardboard, be gentle but firm, and ask for another bottle. Hopefully no one will argue. Remember: not liking a wine is not a good reason to send it back. Chalk it up to experience. Only if a bottle is flawed is it OK to ask for a different bottle.

Wines you can't go wrong with, and what they say about you:

Washington Riesling, Cabernet Sauvignon: you're easy going and up-and-coming

New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Noir: fresh and fun

Oregon Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris: down-to-earth

New York (Finger Lakes) Riesling: open to new things

Burgundy: appreciates the finer things in life

Australian Shiraz: enjoys red meat

Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon (e.g. Opus One) or Rhone wine (e.g. Chateauneuf-du-Pape): looking for a trophy wife or boy toy

Unless your know your date is fairly well versed in wine and loves "big" red wines, you'll probably be best off ordering a Pinot Noir or Merlot if you're eating red meat. To the untrained palate, a Napa Cabernet Sauvignon will taste like tannic, offensive dirt. Some people love oaked Chardonnay, others (like myself) loathe it with an unparalleled passion. Until you get to know your date's wine tastes, you're best off sticking to another white varietal, like Riesling or Sauvignon Blanc.

Just remember, don't be afraid.